It is both of your tasks to help each other heal, to help each other grow and not to inflict suffering one upon the other. Remember always, that your wife is not your teacher; neither she's your guide or even God. Exactly as you, she is your fellow traveller on the path but not your judge and persecutor.
Forgive immediately Translation: no matter what she does, whether she mistreats you, abuses or cheats on you, please don't be such an asshole, please immediately forgive her, she's so suffering! Truth and suggestion: well forgiveness and letting go are indeed the very heart of any healthy condition of functioning relationship.
It is not an apex that culminates itself as one strong and powerful event, but is an ongoing process of daily small acts of forgiveness that at the end culminate in an unconditional forgiveness when it is required. Besides of this, forgiveness without wisdom and insight is prison; forgiveness that is accompanied by and insight and wisdom sets us indeed free and liberates us from the bondages of the past. Not forgiving is still being hostage of our past, but forgiving without understanding what and how to forgive sets and build our future chains and prison.
This is not forgiveness, but suppression and self-denial. Forgiveness is not something one can force. It is not a derivative of will but a property of our heart. In some cases, forgiveness should not be only considered under the light of our process that we undergo, but unless the offender bears witness of the suffering he has caused it is not wise to forgive him hence he has learned nothing to be awarded with a second chance after being forgiven.
Take for example, the case of infidelity which I use here because it's the ultimate betrayal that is most difficult to forgive in any relationship and marriage. While it is wise to forgive immediately when your wife burned a dish when cooking, it is not very wise to pretend that nothing has happened when your wife has cheated and immediate forgive her immediately.
However, it is even more complicated because while you should forgive her anyway one day for your own sake and happiness, in my opinion cheating is a deal breaker and she should not be granted a second chance even if you forgive her. What people do not understand and mix constantly is the differences between forgiveness, reconciliation and a second chance.
Forgiving someone, does not mean you have to reconcile with that person and be with him together. It does not mean either that you have to give him a second chance.
You should forgive, but not necessarily reconcile with her and give her another chance the same is for the wife of course. The question of giving a second chance and full reconciliation is not an easy one, is not automatic and should be considered from many angles under the light of the equation of love and compassion that includes both sides. Especially it should be treated with wisdom, with mindfulness and situational awareness where we can be sure that the partner is honest, learned from the mistakes, has corrected his ways, has done everything to win the trust again, has done a deep internal searching and put boundaries for him to prevent him acting in the same way again.
This is not an easy task, it is a very personal question and the idea of immediate forgiveness in such case is infantile stupidity. More than showing emotional, mental and spiritual maturity, the authors ignorance in claiming that we should by definition and all the time immediately forgive, is pointing to something different. We don't have all facts and details about why his marriage has failed I am sure it was not only his fault because there is never such reality , but it may point to lack of self-esteem, lack of confidences, to various degree of varying fears, suppression, denial, self-hate, one of them or the combination of them or something similar.
Degrading oneself to that point doesn't show of great wisdom, insight and maturity. Men by nature are expressing the physical aspect of the body and mind connection more than women do — it means it is more evident. Women tend to express other aspects of the body — mind interconnectedness. Men are also tend to use more the doing or fixing mode of mind more than women while women tend to use more the verbal mode of mind. This does not mean they are incapable or lacking the abilities to do so, but that they naturally emphasize other aspects.
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None of them is bad or good, both are required and they are complementary. Both, women and men use both of the modes to navigate better in the world. So in that sense, sex for a man with the woman he loves is the absolute ultimate.
He is being physical. He is "doing" something with the person he loves, not just talking.
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In fact, he is communing with the woman he loves physically on top of emotionally, mentally and spiritually. They are experiencing their selfless nature, interconnectedness and interdependence for a brief moment. Based on the interaction and the interconnection of body and mind, most men engage in sex, so they can make a deeper connection with the woman they love.
They are having sex with their wife in order to connect more deeply with her and they seek a complete fusion of their heart, body and mind.
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- Tcl/Tk: A Developers Guide (The Morgan Kaufmann Series in Software Engineering and Programming).
Therefore a man does not necessarily needs all the time sex but he needs regular sex with his wife. Once a man is reassured that he'll have regular sex with his wife he's fears will subside and the door for other physical forms of intimacy that do not necessarily include sexual intercourse or erotic sexual activity will open. So, once as a woman you stop engaging in sex because you allegedly owe him sex or doing it just to keep his mouth shout, but rather engage with him in meaningful, reach and quality sex because you understand his needs and are eager to help him satisfy them, he will not only return you the favor and more than this but will have a satisfied and faithful husband that will be to scared and afraid to lose the diamond that he has.
Why, because it is the very essence between mere physical sexual pleasure that is only short term satisfying and a sexual happiness that is long term satisfying — not only in physical terms but especially emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Make your husband's physical pleasure and sexual emotional, mental and spiritual happiness your first priority; your husband in return should do this for you as well. Do all of this unconditionally and expect nothing in return.
Take and find your sexual pleasure and happiness in giving that happiness and pleasure to your husband; he should do the same for you. Once you find your sexual happiness and pleasure by practicing this kind of generosity within yourself towards your husband and he will do the same for you, this sexual happiness and pleasure will be even more intensified when you do ask and get your needs fulfilled by your partner. You see, we do not become one, we are already one. We are merely two particles of the same one atom.
This is when you ultimately feel our true nature of selflessness and the ignorance, the delusion, of separation, dichotomy and duality falls apart. It's your husband duty to take you sexually; it's not yours as well. You are one, act accordingly. Caution and hint for women: if you want to make this reality, what has first to stop is the demonization of male sexuality. Too many women suffer from this even unconsciously! See Always the Best in Her!
Well, if Gerald Rogers would be more honest and less ignorant, this would have been sound something like "Accept Him her as a whole; then concentrate on the good and let go of the shortcomings". Basically because we humans are imperfect and as the husband has his strengths and flaws so does his wife has her strengths and shortcomings. This ignorance however, as we will see immediately is deeply interconnected with another delusion that Roger lets circulate among his readers namely that of falling in love again and again I have explained it above. Yet, being completely blindfolded when we fall in love, we tend to see only what we like, the beautiful and good aspects in a person, while completely dismissing and ignoring what we don't like, the flaws and the shortcomings of a person.
Very often, it is suppressed with the belief that either we will change the person or he'll simply change for us, just simply because we're so nice and he'll return us the favor. Well, in laboratory conditions, we can built whatever theory we like; however, what counts are not our phantasies and delusion, but how reality works.
Most commonly, it is completely against what we thought and as the illusory house of cards crumbles and falls when it confronts reality we are only awake to realize the mess we have built and to experience the suffering of our own ignorance and delusions. In most cases also having no idea how to properly rebuild our life continuing making the same mistake only under another mask or disguise or as the saying goes it's the same old Bess in a new dress. It is when we got married that we suddenly realize that the things do not work as our delusion or ignorance told us and then deepening our ignorance and delusion we run away when things got hard.
I dolci ingredienti del destino (A) (Italian Edition)
Normally, also believing that unless we have cut our ignorance, we can really build a new and healthy relationship with another person while still dwelling in the same delusion that have ruined our first relationship. The truth is that our ignorance, as well as our flaws, shortcomings, negative emotions, and other poisons of our mind are our own problem. Not that of our partner, and unless we have eradicated them with our current partner, it means simply bringing this heavy stinking baggage into our new relationship.
As the other saying goes this is why the grass is never greener. If you want your grass green, irrigate your own yard with your current partner — do not leave him. However, if you irrigate your own yard with your partner, once the garden is green and blossoming, you don't need anymore another partner. Nor you will need another garden. This simple fact is the reason why the percentage of divorce between divorced couple is even higher than in first marriages, why divorced people divorce and marry many times and why it is true for both partners.
The only exception for that rule that a marriage should be always worked within and never broken is when there is abusive marriage, where one of the partners, the husband's or wife's mental, emotional or physical well-being is at danger. Anyway, another delusion as aforesaid is that instead of dwelling in the ignorance of falling in love over and over again, perpetuating those mistakes time and again into the marriage, what we have to do as mentioned above is beginning to work on the true and higher stage of love which is achieved through teamwork overcoming the difficulties of marriage and the hardships of life while mutually helping and supporting each other.
Either way, to work properly and to base the marriage and relationship on a stable basis, we have to accept the person as a whole, to be comfortable not only with his lovely sides of his personality, but also with his shadow, to consent with his flows and shortcomings and at the end make a resolution to practice letting go and acceptance of that shadow as well as concentrating on his best side.
It is only that after we have gone through all of the initial process that we can simultaneously concentrate on the good, letting go of the flaws after having accepted his shadow. It is also a process that by definition requires both partners. We cannot say that we will be selfless and if the partner reciprocates it will be o.
- 35 Ways to Marry the Man of Your Dreams by Jacqueline Hopkins - 97816.
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- Sex, Spies, and Rock & Roll.
There is no if and it doesn't work like this. Because our purpose in life is not being self-martyr; what everyone seeks is at the end happiness.